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Back To School: Separation Anxiety for Preschoolers and Moms.

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Large department stores around the world are dedicating numerous aisles to golden yellow displays filled with character baring notebooks, creative binders, and the new trend of backpacks. It’s time for our children to head back to school, or for some, begin their first steps into their journey to an education! We spend time picking out just the right pencil bag and your sweetie has to have that Avengers or Wonder Woman lunch box to make them feel like a hero. Their excitement is unfiltered for that time of preparation. However, when the big day arrives, the feeling of excitement has spun into a whirlwind of unfamiliar feelings and fear.  To some parents, these fears seem silly or irrational, though they are very real to the child. For preschoolers this is an unfamiliar voyage, an important passage, and the beginning of their formal education.

Although your young child may have difficulty saying goodbye to you the first day, separation anxiety is a normal and crucial stage of development.  They have spent at least 4 years learning and growing, accustomed to the routines of their family home and now they have to learn new routines in an unfamiliar place. Fortunately, there are a few things you can do to help your little one prepare for preschool.

What is Separation Anxiety like for my child?

Anxiety is a normal emotion, especially for younger children who lack the cognitive skills to be able to process these feelings.  Children often times have separation anxiety because they are afraid something bad will happen to a loved one, most likely a parent. When the child worries they will not see the parent again the reunion may be full of exaggerated clingy behavior. They may have difficulty going to sleep and refuse to go back to school.

Like stressed out adults, kids can experience physical symptoms of anxiety, like fatigue, tummy ache, headache, a racing heart, or trembling of the body.  

Is My Child’s Anxiety My Fault?

As a parent, you may experience anxiety and guilt of your own after leaving your child in a hysterical state as you leave to go to work. If you have already been working full time, your child may have stayed with a babysitter, day care, or with a grandparent. They have probably grown up for 3-4 years with this same routine as you’ve worked, which has become a comfortable separation for them. Starting a new adventure during this young stage of development can be terrifying; nevertheless it is a colossal step towards independence and can be done with ease. We know you’ve probably feared this moment as much as your child and maybe even wiped away a few tears of your own. It is not your fault that your child is scared of this new journey; fear of change is normal. For your own sanity on this big day, understand that your child isn’t the only student in their class. Most preschoolers next to them will be experiencing these uncharted feelings on the first day as they play and work together, possibly making new friends. Separation anxiety can be relieved and should dwindle as your child ages. Yet, if these anxieties escalate or continue without improvement, your child may have separation anxiety disorder.  This circumstance may require professional treatment to help ease your child’s fears and make them feel safer. 

So how can you help your little one manage their anxieties?

  1. Routines provide children with a sense of security. Try to be consistent with mealtimes, bath time, and bedtime routines. Spontaneity is great when it comes to entertaining activities, though with everyday routines, be consistent. If the schedule is going to change, discuss it ahead of time with your child. Change is easier on kids if it’s expected and the anxiety may be absent when they are prepared.
  2. Your job as a parent is to be there, and be calm, for your child. They will not have an easy time coping if they witness you falling to pieces at the front doors of the school. Stay strong, smile, hug them normally (not tighter than normal) and say “see you at 3”. This will make them feel like it is a normal goodbye.
  3. Say goodbyes quickly. Go through your traditional goodbye ritual stared in step two, then go! Don’t stall or make a display, just go casually and calmly.
  4. Anticipate the breakdown. Nature designed kids to hang onto their parents for protection, until they feel safe. If the child separates easier from one parent, let that parent be the “drop off” source.
  5. Place sweet or funny notes in your child’s lunch box. Even if they can’t read just yet, a silly drawing with “Love, Mom” on it could be a reminder that you are still “there”.
  6. Follow through on your word. Helping to ease your child’s anxiety by showing up when you say you will helps their emotional development and their trust throughout life.  Hindering this agreement could aggravate anxieties, setting back any progress that may have been made that day. School pickup lines can be crowded and hectic, so arrive a little early.

Always remember that starting preschool is a positive step for both you and your mini-scholar. It’s important to remember that separation anxiety is a normal part of childhood development for preschoolers. They have limited coping skills, and every child reacts to separation differently. Recognizing these signs in your child will help them adjust and become more at ease their first year of school. You can both make it through this stage with family support and patience.